i do agree that its probably pretty childish. but its still smth that i cannot get out of. maybe i'm just not trying to get out of it hard enough. cos honestly i dun want to. doing it means losing a lot more. i'm not sure if i'll be able to cope. but right now i know for sure that i can't. but its a stupid thing to think and a stupid thing to do. even the younger ones are coping better than i am. i tell myself that its because our emotional capacity is different. but i know its not true. its just a reflection of my childishness.

grow up and face the world.