At 9pm today, i finally got down to muggin again. I've put it off for 2 whole days, not counting today. Well, that probably makes it 3 since I only started at 9 and I'm considering myself done for the day already. haha..

Dinner at IKEA yesterday with raynard huiyi and xiangyun. Been going there quite often recently.. And i always forget to bring a jacket to the horribly freezing place. Raynard's brother got the LKC scholarship at smu! wa jealous man. haha..

Alrightt. tired. off to bed.

i was so upset i had to channel all my anger and frustration into something. but of course i thank all my friends who have been around for me one way or another. you know who you are..

i was so tempted to take a few other blogskins and just indulge in the emo-ness. then i suddenly got v irritated w all the emo-ness and so i decided to settle for this. its simple and boring but kinda funny. i haven't really read through that weird poem. but i left watever the designer added in the profile tagboard etc parts cos its super funny!

yeaaa.. so thats all.

gp sucks! i was so frustrated, so angry doing the paper. i felt like cancelling everything and just leaving the qns blank. RAHHH

sian. sian. sian. darn. study physics. hai. grow up girl.

suddenly i dun really care bout prelims anymore. i dun think there will be a stark difference in this grades and that of block test 2. gp wun improve. econs duh wun improve. math wun. chem wun. physics maybe. no matter how much work no matter how much preparation done it'll still be the same. who am i cheating? its like a peak. this is the max i can go. i've exhausted whatever potential i had in me. suddenly the scholarships seem so distant.

v distracted.. haix.. spent 2 days studying gp. like studying gp can. i never studied for gp before. don't even know what i'm doing. just reading.. now just randomly throwing words into the thesaurus. more like excuse to slack. i can always finish all that reading in less than a day actually. oh well. after gp tmr then need to study phy alrdy. after tonight no more excuse to slack. sian.

i cannot accept and i cannot let go. i need you. i will always be fine on the outside. life will go on as per normal. only i will know that things have changed. there is an empty space only you can fill. this is why i need you.. maybe one day you will understand..

i spammed thermal today. and i was ironically freezing almost the entire day. super cold today.. i think i wasted my time on thermal though. the IB qns are either too simple or too different from the tys qns. shucks. but i've maxed out my concentration span on that for today. oh well.. can't wait to end tmr. i think i'll feel better.

i am scared. and whining a lot. i should shut up man. ><

life laughs at you when you're unhappy
life smiles at you when you're happy
life salutes you when you make someone else happy.

random!

i wanna go uni!!!! i wanna skip a's and go uni NOW! can i can i?? haha.. i just wanna play. thats all.

why am i awake at such an hour. i'll die tmr. like how i died this morning after sleeping at like past 12 last night. but i feel awake lor. at least for now la.

I COULD SYNTHESIZE ALL THE ORGANIC CHEM PRODUCTS. congratulate me! i still hate chem. i will always hate chem. wahhaa..

so sian. go sleep? maybe ltr. i'll consider organic chem over and done with for now. tmr chiong the inorganic then i can start on math and econs and physics.

i never thought i would know anybody who would commit suicide. but as of now, i know of 2. one unsuccessful, the other successful - this morning. it saddens me to think how hopeless they must have felt. but i have no attachment to the both of them. blood-ties but no emotional ties. that itself is quite sad too, isn't it?

oh well. time to go sleeep.

it's pretty late. i'm pretty tired. i can't sleep. maybe i just dun feel like sleeping. haha.. so sian diao. i didn't study anything today. my timetable has literally gone down the drain. i wanna study. but its so disappointing. i dun seem to be improving at all. nth nth!! no improvement!! rahh.


its not like i'm not concentrating. i really sit down and go through the notes and work through the qns. either i do it wrongly or take freaking long to do them. i know i don't do well in mcq cos i take too long to think. but i'm not improving on that. i know what my weaker topics are and i've been drilling those qns. but i'm still dong a lot of things wrongly.

and i can't teach english grammar man. how to explain why its days' and not days? or how to use neither nor? or why its 'should be welcomed' and not 'should be welcome'? i've to find answers to that and come up w simple explanations for my tutee man.. sheeshh..

you know, ms sara says its okay if i dun take exam! haha.. so happy lor. if i take confirm fail one. take in nov, or take next yr also the same! cos its impro. and i'll never pass impro. sure fail and waste money one.

lotsa things on my mind. getting tired.. haha.. oh welll.. i'm really weird. i think my brain processes things faster than i realise. a lot of things i somehow know i alrdy know but i refuse to accept until i justify it. but justification requires step by step painful analysis that my brain usually doesn't handle v well. thats a problem. cos sometimes i alrdy know answers to my problems but i dun know how i get the answers - they seem to pop out from nowhere, but they are answers i seek and they are the answers i get eventually. its just that i refuse to believe in it until i can justify it, reason it out. which is precisely what i'm tying to do right now i guess.. now you see why i keep so much to myself? cos deep inside i alrdy know what the answers are. but i doubt what i know. but i know i'm right. so i find a way to reason out my thinking. cos i'll just be wasting other's time if i ask for help. cos i alrdy know the answers.

its a long loooong post. with just random thoughts. just feel like talking rubbish.

i want escape.

they all have big goals. i have my goals. but i dun know if they're achievable. i want to one day play my electone with the right touch. i want an smu scholarship. i want to bring my tutees back on the right track. and a lot of other things i guess.. so greedy right. haha.. haiyo.

rahhhh. back to studying tmr. i wanna move faster!!! STUCK!!

shall i go sleep now? haven't been sleeping well.. taking quite a while to fall asleep. and having weird dreams. not that i rmb any of them though. i wake up knowing i dreamt but i forget immediately what it is about. another amazing feat of the brain. haha..

i wanna go on and on and on. imagine what it feels like to be on a tour now. waking in the morning to fog and nice sweet air. i wanna live on barns with big windmills and brick walls and swaying wheatfields. yah right. quite scary de lor! especially at night. such a big house in the middle of nowhere.. =X but it'll be really cool if we could fly, wouldn't it? just fly. always wondered what it felt like to be in the bright blue sky with the clouds and all the fluff. haha.. okay, time to go sleep alrdy la.

feeling better letting my imagination and thoughts just run. haha.. been long since the last time i did that.

starting to get exciting! picking up momentum. hopefully it all goes well. i really want this to work out. there is a lot of potential. if there's anything at all, whatever the tulip says, i just hope no one has to suffer for eternity. especially not those i care about.

let us become hands and feet. and start moving.

i've concluded that econs is like electone. i know i want to do it and it is so interesting but no matter how hard i try i never seem to get it right. i guess i've long come to accept the fact that i'll never play well. but i'm still hoping i'll figure econs out someday.

really feeling the heat already. don't seem to be improving in anything no matter how hard i try. it seems like everyone has grown and is continuing to grow but i'm still where i was, who i was, years ago. more stress, more commitments. i want to do what has been given to me well. who doesn't? but i wonder if i can. oh well.. can't let it get to me.

but i still believe there is smth i'm good at. smth i'll be of use to. i refuse to grumble and complain like i have the worst life ever cos i don't. there is more to life than just this.

its seriously amazing, the people you meet in this world. its like what vivien once said. "we look at them like they've grown rabbit ears. but do they look at us and think we're the ones with the rabbit ears?" its interesting. but i believe there is a standard of right and wrong, no matter what kind of grey areas people often talk about. what is your moral compass? i guess its clear what mine is. and its definitely not the world.

i guess sometimes things don't look the way they should. sometimes intentions don't show. i'm not ignorant. i'm merely choosing to avoid it all. what's the point? its not going to make a difference.

who sees the backstage job? who sees the careful thoughts? no one. and no one is to be blamed.

its disheartening when efforts come to naught