I'm bored. I never manage to get any work done once I get home. =(

Tomorrow. I'm gonna wake up at 7.30. Wash up and eat by 8, finish the newspapers by 8.45, read econs essays by 10, get out of the house by 10.30, get to mac by 11.30 and start on math and more econs. Mad rush. I'm never gonna make it. Hahaha.. I think I will end up reading less than 5 essays, skim through the newspapers really quickly and spend the extra time lazing around. heh.

I feel more pressurized to study now. Thats good. Maybe, maybe I do work better under pressure. Else I'll just slack. heh.

I'm bored bored bored. I realise I can study physics in one day. How much goes in and how many questions I can actually complete is a different story. hahaa..

Dieting is stupid. Whoever came up with it is dumb man. Its for lazy people! hahaa.. Nobody should go on a diet. Everybody should just eat healthily and exercise regularly!

I am spouting nonsense. Oh man. I have 3 more physics booklets to look through.

I am so not going to spend a week in Vietnam in the holidays. I'd rather go to China. Or better, give me the money to go shopping.

How mann..

We had our second event today! I guess it wasn't as good as the first one despite the fact that there was, in my opinion, a lot more planning this time. Things weren't that disorganised. Nonetheless, I do think we are on the right track and I guess, we'll continue improving. haha..

Kinda tired.. Finally booked disco chalet. No idea what the turnout would be like, but hopefully we have enough so we dun have to pay too much per person..

Let's see. I'm very behind schedule. Today's supposedly the 2nd day for phy revision but I've only covered the green booklet. Tmr is, by right the last day for phy. But it seems I'll have to spill over to monday. So its only 2 days for econs, not 3. And I need to find a way to squeeze in some math over the next 3 days. Intensive GP after that. Hm.

Not to mention the fact that I haven't been practicing my new, almost impossible piece. I wanna do this one right. I don't think I'll have a chance at going for a competition again. haha..

Alright. Time to sleep. Lots to cover tmr. Till then. =)

I'm going on a diet. There. I've said it. That'll give me a lot more resolve in carrying out my plans (hopefully). haha..

I cut my hair. But it barely looks any different.

I am bored.

I studied NOTHING today. congratulations to myself.

People are calling up to ask about our prelim paper. And I'm always not studying when they call. Makes me kinda guilty for not studying. But I really don't feel like doing it.. sheesh.. This is bad.

Haix. Lost momentum.

don't ask why i'm making my 2nd post of the day, i just have to! haha.. with the pen and paper - well maybe just the paper, gone, this is my only other writing space.

i really missed that! i re-read it again and again and again. its all i ever wanted to hear. ends the day really nicely.. hahah..

in order to make sure i get my lazy butt out of bed tmr and exercise i booked my mum! so its 6.30am tmr morning. kinda early.. ><

a bit more work tonight and i'll be off to bed..

i need to exercise desperately! i've been at kfc almost every other day and the food i eat elsewhere, if i were to be found elsewhere, isn't all that healthy either. this is very very bad! i will go jogging tmr morning. yes i shall. getting fat! no, alrdy fat! ><

all the metal chairs at home are falling apart. metal you know! hahaha..

i wanna drive.....

studying is boringggggg.... oh mann....

told you i would have my own happy story to tell one day. haha..

no matter how things turn out, at least this time, i would have no regrets. and i shall rmb that. i know things are different. i can feel it. but i have to try. i can't take it just like that. and everything i do from now on, i must make sure i have no regrets. must think long term! i might v well not have a third chance at it.

okay. so thats it alrdy. haha.. maybe tmr i will finally be able to get down to serious mugging. i think i will. =P

i like my shower. haha.. feels like rain. i think the only time i played in the rain was in sec2. when sqdmates and i were making our way out of sentosa after the unit hike. we were in the green ponchos that made us look like elves but didn't offer much shelter, partly because the rain was really heavy. vivien was sick. we stopped midway so she could take her medicine. okay so that wasn't exactly playing in the rain. but it left a lot of memories. haha..

one day i'll have my own happy story to tell. you'll see.

i want to play, only because i don't want to study. but once A's are over, i don't really know what i want to do. work? shop? taekwondo? electone? what?? so unsatisfied. so much discontentment. guess it takes time. can feel myself slowly going back to square one again.. nono. cannot. took great pains to leave that behind.. or at least i thought i did leave it behind. now i'm starting to think twice. thats the problem you know. sometimes you should just stop thinking about things so much. but if you do that then nth has meaning anymore. i'm speaking abstract rubbish even myself doesn't understand so dun bother trying to make sense out of it. just trying to string together a random, long, seeemingly complex sentence. =) i'm so full of rubbish these days..... ><
i wanna talk! talk to me! i'm waiting for, i dunno what!

okay bottom line. i am very Very VEry VERy VERY restless today. =(

this is taking its toll.. feel so detached. dun understand what i'm thinking. i feel a separation btw who i really am and who i appear to be. only its not like intentional. it just somehow.. happens.. dunno whether this is good or bad. part of me seems to be screaming something in the back of my head which i cannot put a finger on. guess i'll only get my answer in a few days.. or maybe never. until something triggers something in my head i guess. then i'll understand, and probably emo it all over again.

i'm sensing all the wrong signals. alarm bells ringing like anything. only i don't exactly know how to stop it. i just hope it doesn't end up like the previous case. its... not good.. maybe i'm overreacting.

i've done NO studying today. and it seems like thats gonna be the case for tmr as well. goodness gracious. (no not the campaign)

whine whine whine.. =( =( =(

sleep.

today made me think a lot.. like what i fear most. which i suppose is man. which is kinda stupid considering how i wanna (hopefully) go the management track. never realised what an irony it was.

why do people want to portray a sense of hostility and aloofness? is it really that important to stay guarded? wouldn't the world be a better place if we could all extend love and warmth even to the strangers on the streets? lol. i realise what a stupid question that is to make. its picture perfect and much too idealistic for a world like ours.

and then certain happenings made me wonder what it is that makes a true leader. is being vocal a must in the equation? must one always have things to say, be it serious points or light humor? must one be able to effortlessly and willingly sustain light conversations that don't really matter at all? as of now it seems to me like something one must have in order to have his potential recognised, although its obvious that that alone cannot sustain any leader. but if there's no beginning then there's no talk about any process is there?

and the idea of studying being a game. like hey, if you finish that set of notes you level up! so if you can sit in front of the com and wait for your tribalwars building lvls to increase then surely you can sit down and finish your notes so you lvl up for a more practical and realistic purpose!

life is a train track. you're the driver. where you want to steer yr train towards is your business. in the end everyone's road will be different. sometimes you lose sight of where you're heading towards and you move in a different direction. sometimes the other trains try to push you back on track. but the train is still yours to control. it is you who ultimately who decides what your road will look like.

if you know you can do it, why short change yourself? why let people think you aren't capable of achieving?

the man was deciding whether to give the big or small ham to his guest. the tempter said 'small, small, SMALL!' the man took the largest ham in his storehouse and gave it away. the tempter said ' fool, fool, FOOL!' the man said, "if you don't shut up i'll give away everything in my storehouse." i like this one a lot. i like the attitude. i like the rebellion that is for a good cause. lol.

i've said this before but i've never taken much action on it. communicating my feelings has always been a subject of great challenge and mystery to me. but i guess i'll learn to do it better.

i am better.. much better.. time heals. God loves. friends love. God held up the rain for me today. it stopped drizzling after a while. God has given me lotsa friends to bring me through. and God gave me an experience i would never forget.

i really really am very appreciative for the people who have really helped me though.. thanks for keeping checks on me. thanks for listening to all my nonsense. lol..

i will be better.

today's grad day. and i realised today's like last day of school. i always thought last day of school was the 17th or something, according to post prelims schedule.. lol..

i realise people listen to me. like they really believe what i say. i wish i would believe what i say. haha.. most of the time i don't take my own advice.

darn my foot's cramping again. been happening pretty often lately. rah. it had better not cramp when i'm asleep.

okay back to what i was saying. i think i make gd opinions only when i'm not involved in the situation. i make stupid decisions when i am. which doesn't say much. lol. i'm getting really shallow. whats happening to my brain and all the yrs of experience collected! sheeshh..

okay i'm sick of listening to my senseless rambling. good bye.

my eyes are gonna pop out of their sockets. i shouldn't have gotten one year's supply of contacts just a few months ago cos i'm pretty sure my degree is going up again drastically again by the end of the year.

i've as good as slacked my entire day away. smth is very wrong here. i have no sense of urgency, or worry or anything. i tell myself life after a's will be better cos you get to do what you want in uni. but you never really do get to do what you want, do you? and you can't just do only the things you want to do. its as gd as self indulgence and it'll never happen. there are bound to be things you dun want to do. only, recently i realise that i speak like anna but i dun act like anna. i easily come up with calm and carefully considered responses to my problems, to tell me what i know i should be doing, but it seems like they're coming from a stranger. like we're not the same person. its an intriguing experience, albeit an unwelcomed one..

hai. i shall go to bed. maybe i'll wake up earlier to finish reivisng the political part of the sg snapshots notes. okay thats partially an excuse for slacking as well. lesser slacking? heh. falling into the abyss.. down down down.. like the stupid helical structure of an alpha helix protein chain...

i like taking long walks at night on my own. no more hustle and bustle. just darkness enshrouding everything. nobody's looking and even if they do they can't see. i can be honest with myself. i face my fears, and acknowledge everything i am not. walked one station today.. one day i'll walk all the way home. just keep walking. haha..

i just have one qn.. thats all i have.. pls let me do this

turn back time. i wanna turn back time. let it stop just there. could the world just stop moving. let me go back through it all once more. memories. that's all they have become. nothing but memories. nothing lasts. nothing in this world will ever last.

i hate it when such things happen. and its the 3rd time this has happened this yr.. but i'll not respond the same way again. twice is enough. i've learnt my lesson. i will not be the same. only i need my pillar of strength.. and i guess i do know where to find it..

The kind of flawless I wish I could be.