i thought i'll be finally fine. this morning i convinced myself that i'm tired of fighting. i convinced myself to let things be. i thought yea, there's only one thing that lasts, and thats God's love. nothing else is as reliable, no one else can be more faithful. so i just need to change my perspective. i just need to change my priorities and hunger and fight for the right thing. then i saw the one-liner. and it was enough to break me all over again.

so tired. i haven't been writing the pen and paper way for a few days alrdy. no time? not really.. eh. spent all my time having fun. hehh..

xy hy and ray came over today! we wanted to have a picnic downstairs to celebrate hy's bday actually but we decided home's still the best option, so they came to my place. we met early without hy to prepare the food. we had
2 cans of tuna
1 can of seafood spread
2 loaves of bread
1 (fill in the appropriate units) of lettuce
1 can of mushrooms
2 cans of corn soup
2 ears of corn
1 packet of cherry tomatoes
eggs
olive oil and vinegar
drinks
its 3 girls and 1 guy so obviously we had quite a bit of leftovers. But it was loads of fun. we didn't really cook anything, just steamed corn, warmed campbell soup and boiled eggs. took us bout 3 hours to get all the stuff done. then hy came at 7. and we had dinner. and talked a lot. and played monopoly! we couldn't finish the game and we wanted to 'save game' by taking a photo of the board and our property and stuff so we could set it up and continue from where we left off in future, but we decided against it in the end. haha.. too lame. so we gave hy our presents and made her change into the dress and put on the earrings and the effect was good! she looked good and she liked it and we were all very excited. haha.. and then we were talking bout staying over a xy's place. and xy said "we can all fit on the bed!" then ray spewed and spilled a lot of the water he was drinking on himself. it was HILARIOUS. couldn't stop laughing... hahaha.. and then it was alrdy 11+ so we decided that we should all be going soon. then we rmbed our 'proposal'. so we talked and we came up with our new shop/code name: XARH. it was this or RAHX. but XARH seemed better. haha.. and we decided on rings, hp charms and photoframes! aye exciting! haha..
our next meeting is on the 21st of november. the day after hy finishes her paper. and we've all alrdy decided what to wear. heh..
i think what hy said is very true. 'i never knew we would become such good friends.'

aye sians. today's disappointing. my hearing sucks. its a really nice piece.. but there's so much of that piece to write.. i think hours just to do 3 lines.. ms sara sounds hopeful. but i know i have no talent.
and i've got no talent in econs either. haix. bt1 58, bt2 57, prelims 56. my percentile has been increasing though. but like ahh i'm just stuck here!! i've tried lotsa different studying, answering techniques but nth works! i'm forever a C or worse for econs. its v sian. why do i always do worse for the things i enjoy doing?
so tired. but what right do i have to complain. i haven't even been studying the past few days. you prob have it a lot worse than i do..
haix.

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRR

Here's what I did today.
Read 3 Time magazines
Solved the best combi problem! yea! Spent like hours on it already. Tried a lot of stuff. In the end I realised its the zero sum mixed strategy probem we learnt about in game theory. Very excited! Worked it all out. Then I realise there was a very big flaw. And in the very very end, we realised there wasn't even a problem at all because we should never be using the swords anyway so we don't actually need a combi. >< But still, I had a lot of fun! But it reminded me that uni work isn't easy.. But it also reminded me that I would enjoy what I hope to be studying in uni. Haha.. Okay this sounds stupid. HEY. Games aren't just brainless and stupefying. Everytime I rmb that word I cannot help but wanna laugh. haha..
I didn't do anything else today. Kinda slack huh. Oh! I played poker on fb. I won a bit. Lost quite a lot. But won overall. Then I decided that's enough for today. Okay, I just didn't wana to lose my winnings. haha.. I got a flush leh! then someone has to get one slightly bigger than mine. And i alrdy had a Jack and a 10. Obviously I went all in. And lost. >< But I won it back still! hehh..
Okay i'm incredibly bored today. But I realise I sound kinda chirpy. But I'm actually pretty restless at the moment.
I'm gonna watch movie later!! Free tix! =P But the movie's at 9. Tmr I'll wake up really tired again.. =(

watched music and lyrics with some of the 2a pple today. niceee!! haha.. watch it.
then played poker. was in debt. =( must do dare. but its a secret! haha.. but i had fun. lotsa fun. good good. =P
now i'm a little hooked to poker.. haha.. go check out the fb one..

oh and gp update:
compre 18.5/50
essay 28.5/50
overall 47/100
okay so i still pass. if you consider an E a pass which i don't actually. but oh well.

i'm gonna mug thesaurus. can you believe it. i dun believe it myself.

how to find a mathematical way of finding a combination of the 2 factors C and D, such that the maximum of 2 quantities A and B, that depend on these 2 factors, is a maximum? i think v long le leh. i still can't think of anything..

very sian. haha..
i want to bake. my oven died on xy and me. we went shopping on sat instead. i'm pleased with my purchases. but i want to bake still.. i need to. else my plans flop again. =(
i want more songs. but i solved the missing player wire problem alrdy cos my bro has an extra one. and taylor swift has good songs. i like.
i'm supposed to be reading time and newspapers now. but i feel like sleepingggg... and a few of the 2a/4a pple coming over to watch vcd. spontaneous. lol.
i wanna play ff. but i fell off a bridge and died cos i thought it was the movie part but apparently i'm supposed to move right. i told my bro and he laughed at me. then he said he made the same mistake too. stupid bro. but my safe point very far away! =(( play when i'm feeling elss lazy.
and i'm supposed to do my arrangement piece. but my hearing a bit suck ah. orchestra piece leh. i hear the same bar 10 times also dunno how to write la. so ma fun.
and i haven't exercise in months! supposed to go later. but i very lazy lehh.
my smithy needs 10K+ resources leh. sianssss. 3 lvls to go before i get my noble. then i'll go build my troops and slaughter the annoying guy who keeps scouting me.
i wanna sleep...

Compre Grand Score:

18.5/50

A B C D E S U

Its hard to say what it feels like. Hmm.. I'm worried, yea, maybe. But I think I'm amused...

i cling on to my faith. i know my God is real and i know my God is the only true God.

but i dun know how to trust. to let go and feel his peace and love and guidance. for the first time in my life, i find no comfort.

but i will never deny my God and His love for me. its got nothing to do with upbringing. its got nothing to do with brainwashing. i know He is God.

i'm better off dead like this. it hurts too much. haha.. it doesn't matter. i feel dead as it is. no i'm not doing anything stupid. there's just too much emptiness. it is no longer my life i'm living. i'm doing all kinds of things i never found interesting. i dun know who i am.

the wounds never healed

tmr's last paper. but i take it prelims end today. tmr's just paper 1. and phy is a lost cause so forget it. i've given up on them all. prelims end today i say. haha..

now i dunno what to do.. bake? electone? final fantasy? tribal wars? prison break? gossip girl? okay all. go bug my bro for FF now.

i do agree that its probably pretty childish. but its still smth that i cannot get out of. maybe i'm just not trying to get out of it hard enough. cos honestly i dun want to. doing it means losing a lot more. i'm not sure if i'll be able to cope. but right now i know for sure that i can't. but its a stupid thing to think and a stupid thing to do. even the younger ones are coping better than i am. i tell myself that its because our emotional capacity is different. but i know its not true. its just a reflection of my childishness.

grow up and face the world.

aye aye sick again! RAHH. i still have half of stats to study! and i never touch my pure math. and i going out now! lalala. yesterday so many liverpool fans so happy. haha.. zx come tell me. cl also say. today papers also got. i know nth bout soccer. but i think that liverpool reserve must have felt quite shuang. haha..

i dun want to study!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but prelims ending. end le then how..

spent half my day out with xy! the airport's really nice.. haha.. i wish we had made a trip there.. oh well. talked a lot. haha.. nice talking to xy. aye. felt better. like, just have lesser to care about once you're out. you dun forget everything. but you realise there's a lot more to think about and do. and guys and girls really think and act differently! lol. then we spammed ideas for a group THING. wacky but feasible stuff! wait till we get our group THING. proposal to be made to raynard and hy. as for now, its thinking of a 4-letter word that can be formed from f/w, a/q, x/y, h/y. must have at least one of each of our letters. and the only vowel we have is an a. so far, we've only thought of WAXY. haha..

aye. no more baking. =(
and my tribalwars resources taking so long to come. =((
and hy not coming ltr. =(((

but we're going airport still. and xy is going! =))

i've gone crazy. haha.. so jealous of you. you have so many. its no wonder one is insignificant. whats one to so many more. i want to scream at you but how could i. i dun want to scream at you. if ever i do i'll be screaming at myself first.
i'm so pissed w myself for all this crap. whats wrong w me. ><
i dun like this feeling. i mean it. i dun like it.
theres smth wrong w the perfect world of my creation. theres no one else in it.

haha.. i'm spouting nonsense again. RAH. i want to sleep. good night.

tmr we're baking! like finally. and going to the airport to pick vien and raynard. hey i've said this before. >< my mind is failing me. haha.. time to sleep.

its phy paper ltr. i haven't studied the whole morning. i'm going to shop after phy paper. tmr we're baking and going to the airport to pick raynard and vivien. sunday its maf at my grandma's place after service and cell.

who says this is the weekend in the middle of prelims? lol

i wonder why such things happen. it can't be just coincidence? is this a common problem? why are its effects so extreme then? why was i never aware of such then?

haha.. what am i doing.. i am cheating myself. i live in my own world. one thats perfect and safe. facing reality isn't that difficult, accepting it is.

eh. today i realise i'm still unprepared even after so long. ><

was cheated. RAWR.

but i suppose knowing it was a lie is pretty much a relief too.

but still the lie didn't have to be made in the first place.

i think i'm quite dumb. cos like honestly, i was doubting the stories all the while. but i thought subject had no reason to lie, and to me of all people. gave the benefit of the doubt.

but i was CHEATED.

but nvm. haha.. forget it.. i'm glad its over. its better this way.

tmr phy!! how. i still have half to study. i want to sleeeeep!

sleep is one of the best things God gave. wahaha..

i got attacked! but he lost a lot of his army and he plundered only 200+ of the 6K+ resources he scouted. awww.. i will make sure i take revenge. once i get my LCs.... haha..

hands itching. to play pool.

problem after problem.. and none that can be solved. how man..

time is crawling. i dun really care that i dun have time to finish studying. i just want time to hurry pass. hurry get over all this.

haha.. i'm still at chapter 1. lol.

i can't help you if you won't help yourself. but if anything happens its my fault. but i dun even know what to do.

i'm so sleepy. feels like i wun know what to write tmr. hai dun care alrdy.

my sms is gonna bao like anything. its a commitment bigger than what i realise it is. i just hope she will be fine.

i'm sick. haha.. i dun mind being sick. but i dun like the difficult breathing feeling. anything but that and throwing up and headaches and dizziness. okay maybe i dun like falling sick. lol.

hooked on tribal wars. build my noble and move to changlok's continent! and get a wifi phone soon so i can keep my village updated on the move.

and go play pool once prelims is over.

that bloody guy who did it to her can go and die.

cos life's like that.

i dun want to whine. i irritate myself tremendously when i find myself complaining like crap on this stupid blog. but i dunno what to do. i wanna just run away and do the things i wanna do. i feel so uneasy, so restless, so upset with everything. i know, perhaps whoever is looking on would think its a stupid situation to be stuck in, one that shouldn't even be so big a problem. but i can't get out of it. its a freaking black hole. i did complex no. just now and all i could think was tmd tmd tmd. i cannot focus. i'm disappointed with myself. i wish someone would erase my memory and bring me somewhere else. i wanna just forget everything and do anything i wanna do. my patience has run out. i sit here and i feel like screaming out to you but i've lost my voice. i hear nth. its like you're in another world. i've been imprisoned by myself. and i've lost the key. but it feels like the whole world's watching. and you gotta put up a show. its a glass bubble prison. it is horrible. i hate it when i can't meet expectations. i hate it when i fail to meet my own expectations. i'm acting like a childish shit. i feel so empty. i've never been like this. i dun want to whine. what right do i have. there are so many pple outside with problems bigger than mine. maybe mine isn't a problem at all. i need to go away. i need to do smth and stop thinking abt all this shit. i feel so uneasy. i feel like i'm cheating myself. conjuring up images that will never actualize, imagining scenes that will never be. i dun want to do anything. i have no motivation for anything at all.

vivien messaged! from germany! using raynard's phone! so they've finally met each other. hahaha..

my grammar is turning for bad to worse. whatever happened to my english?

i believe the prelims are a lost cost. unless you've been a mugger since yr very J1 days or are super gifted like a few pple, they're a lost cause. why bother study for smth that won't even resemble the a level paper? it doesn't give you a good gauge of yr standing and doesn't prepare you for anything at all! shock pple? you think anyone would care if they know that the prelims are supposed to kill? pls waste my time.

i can't finish studying. and i'm not doing anything about it. haha.. maybe all that i said above is just to comfort myself. but i honestly think there is some truth in it. but oh well. prelim results dun matter to me anyway. as in, they aren't gonna be used for anything. so, not that big a problem.

i feel so irresponsible but i really dun want to care.

i went to read my old old blog. read what i wrote in sec 2. i said things like, 'i feel so weird its a weekend and i didn't study at all!' now i know why i fared pretty well in sec sch. wahaha..

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

requires so much just to keep you out of my head. feels like months have passed.

was curious bout geraldine's answers so now i have to do it too. haha..

1. Next to each number, write only the name of someone who fits.
2. Answer each question with one name
3. Don't tell the questions to anyone who isn't doing the meme

1. Victor
2. Hui Yi. 11yrs!
3. Vivien
4. Hui Yi! other than the bird that ended up in the toilet bowl....
5. Zhi Qin
6. Eileen (How). LOTS. lol
7. Choon Yen
8. Zhi Jun
9. Victor
10. Eileen (oh)
11. Xiang Yun
12. Chen Hian
13. Siew Ping. got special AURA
14. Yini. NS!
15. Eric (Wong)
16. Choon yen
17. me. lol
18. Jie Hao
19. Geraldine. VERY
20. Zhong Xian. random
21. no idea what this means
22. no idea what this means
23. Eric (Wong). yes sir!
24. Chang Lok
25. Bernard. charm. lol..
26. em, no one? hahaa..
27. Chang Lok
28. KAI TING
29. Victor
30. you guys make a really big part of my life. haha.. loved and treasured! =)

head aches like crap.. sheesh.. so tired.. i wanna fall sick and just forget. no i dun want to fall sick. neither do i want to forget. this is crazy. its all a mess. i messed it all up again. big thanks to myself. i thought i saw the light. its an endless walkway. there is no light.

there has to be an end. there has to be light at the end.

i am damn stupid and childish. one day. one day i will figure this out. i'm really tired right now. so sick of guessing. so sick of it all.

so angry. i wanna scream. can't stand it. can't stand all the talk. how do you survive all this? when you've tasted honey, who would go back to water? how do you even drink water anymore? it isn't tasteless. its distasteful. i dun understand. how it all came to this.

i feel so alone, so insignificant